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Any dreadlocked white guys finding this article after Googling “Drugs Rule” should know that we’ve given this list about drugs a rule. To make the cut, an accomplishment has to be considered great by people who could pass a field sobriety test. So no Grateful Dead music. We’re sure someone somewhere has enjoyed the Dead perfectly sober, just as there are probably non-Christians who listen to Christian Rock. But we’re just as sure that in the grand scheme of things, those people don’t count.

In fact, because we’re masochists, we gave ourselves a strict no music policy, leaving us with … well, not a whole lot actually. Turns out most great things were accomplished by people who just said no, at least immediately prior to accomplishing them. Except for these five.

5. Francis Crick Discovers DNA Thanks to LSD

The Accomplishment:

For the few Cracked readers not versed in the history of human genetics, Francis Crick is the closest that field gets to a rock star, which is pretty fucking close as it turns out. In 1953 in Cambridge, Crick burst through the front door of his home spouting what his wife Odile originally thought was crazy jibberish about two spirals twisting in opposite directions from one another. Like all great rock star’s wives, Odile was an artist, and drew exactly what her husband described. Then the pair and research partner James Watson all went out to a pub and got drunk.

Above: Science?

Odile had no idea what they were celebrating. “Francis was always saying things like that.” If so she probably should have drawn every word because those twisty spirals went on to become one of the most reproduced drawing in the history of science, a first draft of the double helix structure of DNA that scientists today still describe as “balls on.”

The Drug:

LSD. Yes, when not discovering the key to life, and winning the Nobel Prize for it, Crick spent the 50s and 60s throwing all night parties famous for featuring that era’s favorite party favors: LSD and nudity. Crick never made it a secret that he experimented with the drug, and in 2006, the London paper The Mail on Sunday reported that Crick had told many colleagues that he was experimenting with LSD when he figured out the double helix structure.

Drugs? This guy? No way.

Why It Makes Sense:

The double helix is essentially the Sgt. Peppers of scientific models, a ladder that’s been melted and twirled by a pasta fork, or the two snakes from the caduceus if one of them was fucking the other with 100 dicks (depending on whether the artist ate the good or bad acid).

Now obviously scientists don’t arrive at models by doodling on their trapper keeper and picking out the shape that looks the coolest. To do what Crick did required an insane amount of analytical, theoretical, and spatial thinking. It’s not like Crick dropped out of high school and then used acid to turn himself into a supergenius.

Crick was a fan of Aldous Huxley’s The Doors of Perception, a study of the human mind which was undertaken like all good studies, while driving around LA on mescaline.

Huxley wrote that the sober mind has a series of filters on it that basically prevent abstract thought (evolution put them there for the sake of survival, since having daydreams about the nature of the universe while driving can cause you to plow into a semi). But Huxley and Crick thought drugs like mescaline and LSD could temporarily remove those filters.

So rather than melting his mind into a lava lamp of trippy shapes, Crick probably used LSD to get unfiltered access to a part of his brain most normal people rarely use.

“It’s so fucking beautiful.“

Before You Go Trying It…

The long term effects of acid aren’t so great. While Crick never officially rocked a tinfoil hat, he was known to argue that life was seeded on Earth by a race of prehistoric aliens, a theory that has yet to gain widespread acceptance among the scientific community, or really anyone who isn’t a character on the X Files or L Ron Hubbard.

The Accomplishment:

Freudian psychoanalysis is one of the most influential and controversial theories of the 20th Century. While you can argue its merits all day (though we wouldn’t recommend it) you can’t deny that it created an entire branch of medicine, and more importantly, gave us the two best seasons of The Sopranos.

The Drug:

Cocaine. The first ten years of Sigmund Freud’s career were like a roving cocaine pep rally. He prescribed cocaine to his friends for headaches, nasal ailments or just to “give (their) cheeks a red color.” After all, why whore yourself up with makeup when you can get the same effect with a little cocaine?

Actual prescription.

Freud wrote unintentionally hilarious letters to his wife promising to show her what happens to a woman in the hands of a “wild man with cocaine in his blood.” Oh, and he wrote an entire book called On Cocaine that’s basic thesis was: Cocaine is fucking awesome. You should really think about trying some.

After one of his friends died from the drug, Freud quietly folded up his cocaine pom-poms and sweater skirt combo, and went on to found the theory that was named after him. But a respected Freud biographer seems to think the drug played a huge role in the less embarrassing, second act of his career.

Why It Makes Sense:

In those letters to his wife bragging that he was a cocaine fueled sex machine, the man who created the talking cure said he most relied on the drug to untie his tongue. Louise Breger, who is something called a professor emeritus of Psychoanalytics Studies at the California Institute of Technology, suggests that before Freud experimented with the drug, he was an emotionally sterile, socially awkward guy in a lab coat. Cocaine not only untied his tongue, it turned him into the chatty Cathy that wanted to discuss how you felt about your mother.

“I think I’ll write about cocaine again.”

This shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone who’s been around people on the drug or at least seen the movie Boogie Nights. Cocaine bestows its takers with a preternatural enthusiasm for talking about themselves, often to the great irritation of the people around them.

Berger specifically points to a series of all night cocaine benders in which Freud and his friend Fleischel discussed their “profoundest despair,” as he referred to it. From those sessions Freud came up with the whole idea of the patient pouring out his feelings on a couch while the therapist nodded and took notes.

Before You Go Trying It…

Fleischel, the friend who sent Freud on the path toward psychoanalysis was the same guy the drug ended up killing.

The Accomplishment:

The invention of Coca-Cola might not seem to belong on a list next to things like DNA. After all, way more people drink Coke than have heard of the double helix.

Coca-Cola is simply the most well known brand in the history of the world. Sure, it’s mostly just soda water and sugar. But they sell about 400 billion cans of the stuff a year to about 200 countries, an average of more than 60 cans to every single human being on the planet.

Pretty impressive for a drink that routinely gets beat in taste tests by Pepsi.

The Drug:

Coke has it right there in the name. When Coca Cola was created in the summer of 1885, the market was even more crowded with sodas than it is today. In addition to Coke, Pharmacists were selling thousands of sodas, including Dr. Pepper, which got its name from the Texas doctor who marketed it as a cure for impotence. The belief that effervescent water contained health benefits goes back to the Romans, and given the state of mainstream medicine in the 1890s, customers were more than happy to believe Dr. Pepper got your dick up just as well as an old fashioned leech bleeding. Coca Cola was able to stand out in the crowded market because it’s purported health benefits weren’t total and utter bullshit.

John Pemberton, the Atlanta pharmacist that invented Coca Cola, claimed that the ingredient it was named after, the Coca leaf, cured everything from depression and nervousness to morphine addiction. If those purported effects sound familiar, congratulations, you could beat a chimpanzee in a game of memory. Coca is the leaf that produces cocaine, and like Freud, John Pemberton was incredibly enthusiastic about its “health benefits.”

But surely he wouldn’t go so far as to stake the claim of his fledgling business on an unproven drug, right?

Why It Makes Sense:

Like Freud, Pemberton practiced what he preached. In fact, when he said he was convinced from “actual experiments that coca is the very best substitute for opium addicts,” he was speaking from personal experience, since he was a himself a morphine addict. But whereas Freud retired his cocaine megaphone once doctors sounded the “shit kills you” alarm, Pemberton chose to put it in his soda, plug his ears, and hum loudly.

In his history of the beverage, Mark Pendergrast claims there was about 8.45 milligrams of cocaine in each serving, which is about 1/4th of what people put up their nose to get high these days. But fans of the drink were known to chug up to five at a sitting, or to drink it with five times the syrup called for in the recipe. When combined with the sugar and caffeine, that brings the drug to right around street level.

So it’s not surprising that by the time cocaine was removed from the drink in the early 20th century, people were ordering Cokes by asking for “a dope.”

Before You Go Trying It…

If that story makes you think cocaine is cool, you should check out the Russell Crowe smoking commercial The Insider.

The Accomplishment:

In the hundreds of thousands of games in MLB history, there have been only 247 in which the starting pitcher records every out without giving up a hit. Pedro Martinez, like most pitchers, has gone his entire career without throwing one. In fact his team, the Mets, who’ve been sending a pitcher out to the mound 162 times every season for 46 years, have never had a pitcher throw one. Dock Ellis became one of the few to ever do it on June 20, 1970, though he barely remembers it.

The Drug:

Acid. The day of the no-hitter, Dock Ellis woke up around noon on what he thought was Friday and ate three tabs of acid, presumably because he was tired of Wheaties. But when his girlfriend arrived she was carrying Saturday’s newspaper, which meant he’d slept through Friday or that his girlfriend’s was a time traveler. The sports page had more bad news, he was scheduled to pitch in San Diego in six hours. Not only was the day that was beginning to swim around him the wrong one, the city his day was swimming in was Los Angeles.

“Not one thing about today makes sense to me.”

We probably wouldn’t have gone to the ball park that day (not to mention slept through a Friday and eaten LSD for breakfast). But Ellis had pitched high before. And by that we mean he had never pitched sober. Starting with booze as a high school prodigy and moving up through amphetamines and cocaine in the MLB, his Pirate teammates often took bets on whether anyone could take as many amphetamines as Dock.

Unfazed despite being on enough acid to melt Jimi Hendrix’s guitar, Ellis hopped a flight to San Diego, and faced down a lineup that had woken up knowing what day it was, and also had the upper hand in the “not on acid” category. Not a single one got a hit.

Ellis remembers very little about the game, other than that sometimes the ball was huge in his hands and sometimes it was tiny, and that at one point he dove out of the way of a line drive, only to look up and see that the ball hadn’t even reached the mound. If this sounds like a ridiculous cartoon to you, that’s probably what it looked like to Ellis. So how the fuck did Ellis manage to pitch a better game than Pedro Martinez ever would?

Why It Makes Sense:

Writing in the New Yorker, Oliver Sacks describes a state of mind known as “the zone” in which “A baseball … approaching at close to a hundred miles per hours … may seem to be almost immobile in the air, its very seams strikingly visible… in a suddenly enlarged and spacious timescape.” The zone is typically brought on by confidence, adrenaline and being fucking awesome at baseball. Ellis was all of those things, and LSD’s affects include increased heart rate and the slowing down of time. So it’s conceivable that Ellis tripped his way into the zone.

What Ellis saw the day of his no-hitter.

A large part of throwing a no hitter is getting over the fact that you’re throwing one. As the game goes on and the lonely bastard in the middle of the diamond gets closer to immortality, the tension in the park and in the pitcher builds. Trying to throw a no hitter is such a mind fuck that it’s considered the height of dickery for a teammate to acknowledge the no-hitter until the final out is recorded.

But baseball history was the last thing on Ellis’ mind, keeping his shit together while a bunch of giant lizards fucked in the on-deck circle being the first.

Before You Go Trying It…

Ellis had the career trajectory of Darryl Strawberry, never reaching his potential because of drug addiction. Instead of being a household name, Dock Ellis is just that guy who threw a no-hitter on acid.

The Accomplishment:

There’s plenty of controversy surrounding certain parts of the Bible, (where are the dinosaurs?), but most can agree that the Ten Commandments make some good points: killing is wrong, stealing is wrong, and weekends are for sleeping.

When the whole world was presumably murdering whoever they wanted and coveting the shit out of anything that crossed their paths, Moses was the one who God deemed suitable enough to pass his commandments onto. So, one day in… Biblical times, an audience gathered and politely waited while Moses met with God on the top of Mount Sinai to discuss the rules that we still use today, (or are, at the very least, aware of).

The Drug:

Mushrooms.

Drugs weren’t invented yesterday, you know. In fact, they grow right up out of the ground, all on their own. The area surrounding Mt Sinai, for example, was home to two common psychedelic drugs and, according to a 2008 Time and Mind article written by Benny Shanon, a professor at Jerusalem’s Hebrew University, psychedelic mushrooms and other mind-altering substances played a huge role in the religious rites of Israelites during Biblical times.

While it would be irresponsible of us to assume Moses was drugged up based solely on the fact that drugs were both acceptable and available at the time, Professor Shanon maintains that the scene described in Exodus, (involving blaring trumpets, bright lighting and thunder), fits the “classic imaginings of people on drugs” and further that “the seeing of light [that occurs in hallucinations] is accompanied by profound religious and spiritual feelings.”

Why It Makes Sense:

The evidence isn’t completely conclusive, but a closer look at our choices leads to a fairly obvious answer. Either:

1. God visited Moses and decided that he was the perfect spokesman for his commandments, (despite Moses’s total lack of previous experience in the supernatural-commandment-liaison department), and all of Moses’s friends and family believed him when he said “God spoke to me” and instantly stopped coveting shit.

Or

2. A group of extremely bored Israelites ate a bunch of easily-accessible mushrooms and imagined a bunch of crazy shit.

“Is anybody else freaking out a little bit?”

It was thousands of years ago. No Internet, no TV. There wasn’t much to do other than eat plants, particularly when those plants led to conversations with God. It doesn’t take a college professor to figure this one out, (although, technically, it did this time).

Still, this is a pretty huge deal. Everyone wants to say how dangerous it is to use psychedelic drugs, but Moses takes a few and comes up with a set of morally sound rules that have held up for thousands of years and, for some, serves as a reason not to murder the guy in front of you who’s taking an annoyingly long time at the ATM.

Before You Go Trying It…

There’s a really good chance that eating random mushrooms you find on the ground will kill your ass.

Also, we don’t think we’re speaking out of turn here when we point out how sloppy and half-assed the Ten Commandments are. If you’re going to create a system of unchangeable rules meant to govern large groups of people, you might want to think “manual” instead of a “grocery list.”

“We should be good with just this, right guys?”

Something with a FAQ page at least. “What about murdering in self defense? And what if your neighbor’s wife is really hot? Do two Commandments cancel each other out? Can I murder my hot neighbor’s stupid husband?”

Like most stoners (take for instance the ones in Pineapple Express, a movie you should totally see), Moses was probably too lazy to do all that extra work so he just sort of summarized, but the rest of us can agree that it would’ve been nice to have those answers.

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A how to guide

Supplies

• 1 – 7″ Cardboard lid 1 1/2″ height
• 1 – 9″ Cardboard lid 1 1/2″ height
• 1 – 15 bulb LED light strand
• 1 – 7″ diameter mirror
• 1 – 1′ X 1′ 1/10″ thick plexiglass or real glass (whichever you prefer — real glass will give a cleaner result)

Steps

1. Take the 7″ Cardboard lid and mark a spot every 24 degrees on the outside rim halfway between the top a More..nd the bottom.
2. That will create 15 marks around the lid for the LED’s
3. I used a hand drill to create the holes for the LED’s. Make the holes a little smaller than the LED’s so that they’ll fit snug
4. Push the LED’s into the hole. Push them in far enough so that they visible from the inside.
5. Cut the bottom of the lid out.
6. Glue the mirror in the middle of the inside of the 9″ lid.
7. Place the 7″ ring with LED’s into the 9″ lid. The small ring should sit directly on top of the mirror.
8. Cut a piece of mirrored window tint and apply it to the plexiglass / glass.
9. Attached the plexiglass/glass to the top of your lids.
10. I used duct tape to hold the glass to the cardboard lids then cut black construction paper to cover the sides and back.
11. I cut a ring out of silver construction paper and placed it on top to hide the duct tape.
12. I used velcro to hold the battery back to the back or the top of the infinity mirror device.

Good luck!

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According to multiple sources, it seems as if the PS3 has been ‘hacked’ with a new commercial USB Device called the ‘PS Jailbreak’. This seems like the modern day ‘HD Loader’ and will allow owners to dump all original PS3 games onto a FAT32 hard drive and play the game entirely from there. There is an official website for the product, a retailer has released a couple of videos of it, plus a number of ‘hackers’ have confirmed it is the real deal. Although there is still the chance that it doesn’t perform as expected, so keep an open mind. This is surely a major blow to Sony as the device is apparently plug n’ play and works on the latest firmware. *Update* – More details revealed including claims that it will run games 2x faster than Blu-ray, support homebrew and will be fully updateable – a second video has just been released too. All the details inside!

So here’s what we know:

Other Hacker talk

Hacker Xorloser has indicated that it is a device that turns the PS3 into a debug unit essentially. This is why it allows people to install and play games from the hard drive.

The likes of Mathieulh have been talking about this and indicate that perhaps it uses illegal code from the PS3 SDK, hence why it works.

The Videos

And here is the second video for the ‘doubters’…

The product description and FAQ from various websites:

Q: What firmware version does PS JailBreak it work on?
A. It apparently works on a couple of old firmware verisons, but it was designed for the latest firmware version 3.41

Q. Does PS Jailbreak allow you to dump ps2 games, ps1 game, Blu ray movies?
A. No, just PS3 games.

Q. Does PS JailBreak allow every game to work?
A. Apparently 150 games have been tested, and they all work. If a game happens to have 1 file over 4gb the program will not be able to rip the game onto the harddrive. Apparently the worl around is to dump it on an internal hardrive

Q. Can I still play online with PS Jailbreak?
A. When today (19.08.2010) you can, we can’t guarantee you will never be banned for using the 3rd party device.

Q. Can Sonly block this with firmware updates?
A. Probably. The have have the USb dongle firmware upgradable, but you can never predict the future. This is made to work with 3.41. If you happen to download an install an update which is higher then this then it is your doing. We will not accept stock back as “faulty” if you have upgraded your firmware.

Here’s more from the makers, promises 2x faster playback, homebrew and more:

*PS Jailbreak is a USB plug and play solution that installs in seconds, keeping your valid warranty seal in tact.

* Easy to use installer and GUI takes you step by step.
Compatible with all production models FAT and SLIM. Supports all regions: USA, JAP, PAL and KOREA

* PS Jailbreak disables forced software updates and will never brick your console.
Supports all games (it does not allow backups of bluray movies , dvd movies , or past consoles games)

* Backup games to your internal hard drive or external hard drive through USB, and boot directly off GUI. Eliminating the need for expensive blueray burners and costly blank media.
Play backups off your hard drives 2x as fast as off the blueray drive. This eliminates lags and glitches to provide you with smoother game play.

* Open up your console to a new generation of homebrew applications. Load homebrew apps/games off any USB hard drive/flash drive.

* Fully updatable with new features/updates by connecting PS Jailbreak to any computers USB port.

Other stuff

The official website for the product is down at the moment. A retailer in Australia (who released the videos) is listing it for $170. Although we no way in endorse or support this. Stay tuned for further updates.

Just like HD Loader, the implications for Sony and the cosnole could be huge. Consider those that rent/borrow games from friends and the like and just copy games onto their hard drive. Although hopeully it does lead to some hope for real homebrew projects, the possibilities with Move could be incredible!

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Let’s pretend for a moment that zombies are real (as if half of you weren’t already daydreaming about that very thing). Have you noticed how most zombie movies take place only after the apocalypse is in full-swing? By the time we join our survivors, the military and government are already wiped out, and none of the streets are safe.

There’s a reason the movie starts there, and not earlier. It’s because the early part, where we go from one zombie to millions, doesn’t make any sense. If you let the creeping buzzkill of logic into the zombie party, you realize the zombies would all be re-dead long before you even got a chance to fire up that chainsaw motorcycle you’ve been working on. Why?

#7.They Have Too Many Natural Predators

Do you know why we, as humans, are at the top of the current food chain? Not because we’re hard to kill (well, with the exception of Steven Seagal). We’re not; we’re little more than tasty flesh bags waiting for an errant horn or claw to spill our guts like a meat pinata. No, we’re on top simply because we are so absurdly good at killing things ourselves. A good offense, as they say, is the best de-LOOK THERE’S A DUCK! MURDER IT!

We are simply too smart and too well-armed for any wild animal to hunt. Now consider the poor zombie. It lacks every single advantage that has kept humanity from being eaten to extinction. It wanders around in the open, it can’t use weapons, it can’t think or use strategy. It doesn’t even have the sense of self preservation to run hide when it’s in danger. And, it’s made entirely out of food. It’s easy prey for any animal that wants it.

If you’re saying, “Sure, but it’s not like my city is full of bears that can come eat all the zombies,” you need to think smaller. Insects are a major pain in the ass for living humans, and in some cases, being able to swat away flies and having an immune system is the only thing keeping us from having our eyes and tongues eaten out by maggots. Zombies in any part of the world with a fly problem are going to be swarming with maggots in short order, meaning that most of their soft tissues will be infested, and their eyes will be very quickly useless.

Not so disgusting now, are they? OK, yeah, but show a little respect.

We’ll scale up a bit: In America alone, we have bears, wolves, coyotes and cougars, all of which can put well-armed, thinking, fast-moving humans on the menu, if the conditions are right. To most predators, the “right conditions” are when the animal is weak or infirm, or otherwise generally unable to defend themselves, like a walking corpse. Hell, just think of the millions of stray dogs out there who’ll quickly learn that zombies are an easy meal.

Now imagine zombie hordes wandering Africa. Between lions and cape buffalo (and hippos, and rhinos, and elephants), we’d finally have a disease that Africa is better suited than the rest of the world to defend itself against.

#6.They Can’t Take the Heat

It’s generally accepted by zombie experts that they’re going to continue to rot, even as they shamble around the streets. What the movies fail to convey, however, is the gruesome yet strangely hilarious effect the hot sun has on a rotting corpse.

The first concern is putrefaction. Thanks to the plethora of bacteria we use in our colon for digesting plant matter, called gut flora, our bodies are ripe for decay the second our heart stops. Since heat speeds the growth of bacteria (which are plenty happy to start feasting on you once your immune system is no longer a concern) the zombie’s got a looming expiration date the very second it turns.

Dead bodies bloat because of the gases created by the bacteria, meaning that in warmer areas even Abercrombie Zombies are going to start getting fat in the first few days. After a few weeks of this, the nasty, bloated zombie army is going to start doing something that is simultaneously the most awesome and disturbing thing a zombie can do: they will start exploding (CAUTION! Pictures!). The warm, moist conditions in the tropical and subtropical parts of the world (or even just summer in the temperate parts) speeds this condition, meaning a July zombie outbreak pretty much anywhere would be over in a few weeks just by virtue of the rampaging monsters bursting like rancid meat balloons.

At the other end of the heat spectrum is dry heat. If you’re in Phoenix or the Sahara when the apocalypse hits, the zombies might begin to mummify in the blazing sun and heat. While the normal symptoms of dehydration are not a concern for a zombie, there is the problem of desiccation. With no reasonable means of replenishing the water in their cells, zombies walking around in the Texas heat all day are going to suffer cell damage due to direct sun exposure to their skin, and thanks to the drying effect wind has, the Southwestern dead will stumble around more and more ineffectively until, at some point, they simply drop and wait for the scavengers to come pick them up for the annual Slim Jim harvest.

So they’d better hope the outbreak happens during the winter, right? Well…

#5.They Can’t Handle the Cold

Zombies are dead meat. No arguing that; it’s their one defining characteristic. But everybody focuses on that “dead” part like it’s such a huge deal. They often forget about the “meat.” Do you know what else is dead meat? Steak, hamburger, possibly even that red grease mush inside of Taco Bell food.

Look at it.

When flesh is alive, it’s got all sorts of defense systems to keep it that way. When it’s dead, you have to throw it away in about a week even if you seal it up in plastic and keep it at a carefully modulated temperature. Now, your first inclination may be to think of cold as dead meat’s friend, after all, the surest way to defeat that week-long deadline is to freeze steak, keeping it fresh for months. But don’t forget: Unregulated cold does awful shit to formerly living things. If you live far enough north, the zombie apocalypse will probably work itself out the first time it tries to go outside. The first zombie-killer is the simple fact that the human body is mostly water, and water freezes. Once the temperature drops to freezing (or near it with a high wind chill), zombies will become significantly more rigid.

No word on them transforming into snow monsters.

After enough exposure, a dead body is going to be frozen solid and not chasing down any screaming victims, no matter how delicious and Rascal Scooter-bound they might be. It’s also safe to assume that zombies wandering around in a wintry wonderland are not going to be wrapped air-tight in plastic like we do with food, so freezer burn becomes an issue. Seriously. The same thing that ruins your ice cream also ruins the Undead Onslaught. The freezing of the flesh at night, combined with partial thaw during warmer days, then refreezing again sets up the perfect conditions for the onset of freezer burn, which results in the cells dehydrating as water evaporates, even when frozen solid. Freezer burned meat isn’t just dead, it’s destroyed.

#4.Biting is a Terrible Way to Spread a Disease

Hey, remember that time when that dog got rabies, and then a day later, every single other dog on the continent had it, except for a small band of survivors huddled in a basement? No? That never happened?

Nearly all of the zombie movies agree on one thing: They reproduce like a disease, one that spreads via a bite from the infected (like they have a virus carried by zombie saliva or whatever). But this also means their spread should be subject to the same rules of a normal epidemic, and biting is a shitty way to get an epidemic going.

The successful diseases have some really clever way to invisibly spread from victim to victim. The flu has killed tens of millions because it floats right through the air, the black plague was spread by fleas, etc. Not a single one of them requires the infected to get within biting distance to spread their infection. Sure, sexually transmitted diseases like AIDS work that way, but that’s only because the infected can pass for the uninfected. Nobody is going to be having sex with a zombie.

Though Google Image Search does turn up a large volume of zombie porn

But let’s say there is an outbreak, like if one zombie was able to bite 30 people in the crowd at an Insane Clown Posse concert before they figured out it wasn’t part of the show. It’s not like mankind is just utterly confused about what to do when an infection breaks out. In America you have the Center for Disease Control (CDC,) who don’t tend to fuck around. Seriously, it’s on their business cards.

Remember the SARS outbreak? That originated in China. The CDC and the World Health Organization put the clamps down on international travel the second it was found to have spread to North America. Flights were grounded, travel between borders was locked tight and only 43 people on the entire continent died.

No one was overlooked.

With zombieism, they don’t even have to solve the mystery about how it’s transmitted. It’s that guy biting people. Shoot him in the head.

#3.They Can’t Heal from Day to Day Damage

One advantage to having a fully-functioning central nervous system is that it also does a damn good job of letting you know you’ve been damaged. It does this by way of pain. Think about all the paper cuts, stubbed toes and nut shots you have suffered in your life. Now imagine they never healed, just sat there and rotted while you continued to rack up other paper cuts, stubbed toes and nut shots. Pretty much every wound you’ve ever had would end with an amputation. One thing we know about zombies from Romero and Fulci is that they are a clumsy lot, walking into doors and helicopter blades without a second thought about what kind of damage they are suffering.

While complete insensitivity to pain seems like an awesome superpower in theory; in real life, you wind up being more like Mr. Burns than Wolverine. Congenital insensitivity to pain is a neurological condition that some people are born with, meaning they don’t feel pain. They can feel everything else, but the absence of pain means they accrue damage to their bodies but are unaware of it. Even with the ability to call for help, loved ones watching out for them and our coddling society, this can still lead to all kinds of terrible shit, like infected body parts and bitten off pieces of tongue.

All the dings and bangs zombies will suffer after tripping, walking off of bridges and stumbling around on dark cloudy nights will eventually leave them limbless, toothless and with every bone in their body broken. Seriously, in the event of the Zombie Apocalypse, just stay inside, watch all the episodes of 24 back to back, then walk out on your lawn with your Corpse Rake and tidy up (you will have to buy a Corpse Rake, however, if for some reason you don’t already have one).

#2.The Landscape is Full of Zombie-Proof Barriers

The zombies’ lack of coordination, along with the inability to see in the dark (we haven’t had any infrared zombies yet, but holy shit! We call dibs on the idea) is going to spell the doom of countless zombies in any area outside of a parking lot. This is a group that doesn’t know how to find roads or bridges. They just go wandering off aimlessly. Mountains, major rivers and canyons would thus quickly be home to piles of broken zombie rags stinking up the scenic views. Even if zombies had the foresight to not walk over cliffs or into raging rapids during the day, nightfall would result in most eventually walking into rivers, over cliffs and off of bridges, diminishing their numbers.

But even in nice, flat, paved cities, where it would seem like people would be extra-fucked, the landscape still works in favor of the living. History has shown that in most awful situations, people don’t always act like the panicky idiots in a horror movie. In cities, people would likely congregate in the upper levels of high-rise buildings, where the invasion can be held at bay with simple security doors. Also, the streets themselves would keep the undead corralled in straight, easy-to-aim-down lines where they could be picked off by snipers, or just bored office-workers waiting out the quarantine by dropping office supplies onto the undead from the top floors.

“Do you think we can fit chairs through this?”

#1.Weapons and the People Who Use Them

As we touched on briefly above, if Homo sapiens are good at one thing, it’s killing other things. We’re so good at it that we’ve made entire other species cease to exist without even trying. Add to the mix the sheer number of armed rednecks and hunters out there, and the zombies don’t even stand a chance. There were over 14 million people hunting with a license in the U.S. in 2004. At a minimum, that’s like an armed force the size of the great Los Angeles area.

Remember, the whole reason hunting licenses exist is to limit the number of animals you’re allowed to kill, because if you just declared free reign for everybody with a gun, everything in the forest would be dead by sundown. Even the trees would be mounted proudly above the late-arriving hunter’s mantles. It’s safe to assume that when the game changes from “three deer” to “all the rotting dead people trying to eat us,” there will be no shortage of volunteers.

Plus, if we look at zombies as a species, they are pretty much designed for failure. Their main form of reproduction is also their only source of food and their top predator. If they want to eat or reproduce, they have to go toe to toe with their number one predator every single time. That’s like having to fight a lion every time you to want to have sex or make a sandwich. Actually, it’s worse than that: Most top predators are only armed with teeth and claws, meaning they have to put themselves in harm’s way to score a kill. Humans have rifles.

Harm’s way is about 4875 feet from the end of this.

The zombies have no choice but to walk into bullets. And all this isn’t even counting all the other household hand guns in the world, nor the fact that zombies also have to contend with IEDs, Molotov cocktails, baseball bats, crowbars and cars that the general public will no doubt be using to cull their numbers.

And that’s just from the civilian population; counting the military and police, we have another three million or so armed people, and instead of just handguns shotguns and hunting rifles, they have machine guns, combat shotguns, sniper rifles, assault rifles, sub-machine guns, grenade launchers and the occasional taser, not to mention the training to use them effectively. But why would they even bother? When they could just roll over swaths of zombies in tanks, blast them with cluster bombs and MOABs and mow them down with miniguns from the god damn Air Force that every zombie flick seems to forget about.

Really, even if zombies existed right now, the whole concept of a zombie apocalypse is just laughable. Now robots, on the other hand…

For more zombie-based research, check out 5 Popular Zombie Survival Tactics (That Will Get You Killed) and 5 Reasons You Secretly Want a Zombie Apocalypse.

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Heres the original footage.

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HERES THE TOTALLY FUCKIN BADASS REMIX!!

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